Free from the outside

For 12 years I dedicated my life to yoga. The idea is, my inner well being should not be subject to external situations but independent from anything that happens on the outside.

I had witnessed many tragedies from the very start of my life that made it essential for me to seek freedom from the world.

This yogic or life concept is brilliant and although i still theoretically agree with it, i never managed to really achieve it completely.

I definitely had times when i was untouched by external situations but i think the whole process made me aloof.

I had to not care too much for things and people in order to be untouched.

From where i stand now, i want to care. I want to be extremely happy and i am okay to be extremely sad and heartbroken. I think it’s what makes me alive.

Mind you, i do not blame Yoga for my inability to apply it. I just think that my emotions are too important for me and i am unwilling to give them up.

Expectations

There have been endless scenarios in my life where i felt disappointed and disillusioned by somebody because I felt they don’t care enough. Expectations are very destructive and they are bound to cause misery. But truthfully, it’s hard to care about someone or something and not have any expectations.

As the journey of life continues, people and situations change, but the same pattern repeats itself within me. I find myself disappointed,  unsatisfied, i feel like a victim and i think i deserve better.

At such times, i feel down, i want to join the crowd and stop caring so much. Because whoever is the person, whatever is the relationship, wether it’s my mother, my guru, my lover,  my friends… None of them seemed to fulfill what i feel is caring enough.

But, when the cloud passes, when i look again with some distance, i see with more clarity. The whole world cannot be the problem here. I need to address the real problem: My expectations and my definitions of caring enough. Everyone is doing what they know and what they can do in a particular moment. If i look at it from the other side, i surely have disappointed so many of these same people who may have wished i cared more or did more at some point of time. But, i did what i could, and that’s all i knew then.

Maybe i really care too damn much. Or maybe i am a hypocrite and someone else thinks i don’t care enough. Or maybe both are true at different points of time.

I don’t know what’s true, but i know that i don’t want to feel like an uncared for victim. That’s definitely not the truth. It’s a shame to allow my mind to trap me down that road over and over again.

If i look closely, i have so many wonderful people in my life who deeply care and that’s a blessing worth remembering.

Moral of the story is, whatever someone else chooses to do, i thrive when i care. So i am going to care too much anyways.

Life

There is a good reason why people start their careers and homes at 20. All the running around it takes to prove yourself to your boss, spouse and child. That nonsense must start earlier when you are still willing to do it. As you hit your thirties, your willingness to deal with all this reduces, your physical and mental energy becomes scarce. It takes so much more effort to suck up to life.