My heart is longing for what I don’t have, but isn’t it always doing that? So genuinely, I am asking myself: is where I am and what I am lacking really the problem, or is it my mind which is always longing for anything but the reality and present? Isn’t this the real trouble? The fact that we always want what we don’t have and don’t fricken know how to be here and now?
I’m not normally the patriotic type. I cut my roots since i was 20 and traveled as far as life could take me without looking back. But as the sun is warming Ottawa, i find myself longing for those beautiful blue water beaches on which i grew up. All these beautifully organized green lakes and spaces cannot fill the gap for the Mediterranean beaches.
Ahhhh, how i would love to be lying in the sun on a lebanon beach right now 🙂
Suddenly my dear Feyrouz and her songs of longing for Lebanon make more and more sense.
For 12 years I dedicated my life to yoga. The idea is, my inner well being should not be subject to external situations but independent from anything that happens on the outside.
I had witnessed many tragedies from the very start of my life that made it essential for me to seek freedom from the world.
This yogic or life concept is brilliant and although i still theoretically agree with it, i never managed to really achieve it completely.
I definitely had times when i was untouched by external situations but i think the whole process made me aloof.
I had to not care too much for things and people in order to be untouched.
From where i stand now, i want to care. I want to be extremely happy and i am okay to be extremely sad and heartbroken. I think it’s what makes me alive.
Mind you, i do not blame Yoga for my inability to apply it. I just think that my emotions are too important for me and i am unwilling to give them up.
There have been endless scenarios in my life where i felt disappointed and disillusioned by somebody because I felt they don’t care enough. Expectations are very destructive and they are bound to cause misery. But truthfully, it’s hard to care about someone or something and not have any expectations.
As the journey of life continues, people and situations change, but the same pattern repeats itself within me. I find myself disappointed, unsatisfied, i feel like a victim and i think i deserve better.
At such times, i feel down, i want to join the crowd and stop caring so much. Because whoever is the person, whatever is the relationship, wether it’s my mother, my guru, my lover, my friends… None of them seemed to fulfill what i feel is caring enough.
But, when the cloud passes, when i look again with some distance, i see with more clarity. The whole world cannot be the problem here. I need to address the real problem: My expectations and my definitions of caring enough. Everyone is doing what they know and what they can do in a particular moment. If i look at it from the other side, i surely have disappointed so many of these same people who may have wished i cared more or did more at some point of time. But, i did what i could, and that’s all i knew then.
Maybe i really care too damn much. Or maybe i am a hypocrite and someone else thinks i don’t care enough. Or maybe both are true at different points of time.
I don’t know what’s true, but i know that i don’t want to feel like an uncared for victim. That’s definitely not the truth. It’s a shame to allow my mind to trap me down that road over and over again.
If i look closely, i have so many wonderful people in my life who deeply care and that’s a blessing worth remembering.
Moral of the story is, whatever someone else chooses to do, i thrive when i care. So i am going to care too much anyways.
There is a good reason why people start their careers and homes at 20. All the running around it takes to prove yourself to your boss, spouse and child. That nonsense must start earlier when you are still willing to do it. As you hit your thirties, your willingness to deal with all this reduces, your physical and mental energy becomes scarce. It takes so much more effort to suck up to life.
I don’t know if this is something that happens when you’re no longer 20 or if it is the result of my experience with Isha and India. But recently I realized that i see people. I really see them. when no one else is looking, I notice what is happening. I see the little details, the struggles and emotions. I even feel to some extent what is happening in their mind and emotion. I respond to life around me and I feel utterly grateful to see outside my own box, to notice and care. 10 years ago this definitely was not the case, I didn’t see anything else other than me but now I have the blessing to feel other human beings, to know what it is like to be in their shoes. I hope I never become too big in my head to once again ignore the creation and get lost in my own creations.
This morning the sun is shining again. It is not super warm outside but Canadians are ready to show their skin. So am I 🙂
It is one more day where I recognize how far I have come this last year. I had a rough patch two years ago where I was very uncertain what I wanted with life. I didn’t know what I wanted and I had to make scary decisions, the hesitation and confusion were a huge torture. It took me all the guts I had left at 30 to jump from my comfort zone and start fresh.
One week from now, I complete my first year of college with straight A+ and amazing passion for what I do. Today I feel so steady. I worked really hard to figure out what I wanted with my life. It took me a lot of courage to accept what I wanted, to take the risk and commit myself to deal with the consequences. At this point, I am super grateful for every ounce of life that contributed to my journey. I feel confident and super happy. I know what I want to be and everyday I take one more step in that direction. My loving fiancé, an incredible addition to my joy walks by my side.
So grateful to be the owner of my life. I take full ownership for my success and failure. There is no bigger freedom than that.
If you are down today, if life is not going the way you want it. Take a step back and really acknowledge what you want. Then do whatever it takes to create it. Life is so short, we don’t have much time to dwell in the downhills of life. Rise and shine everybody. It’s time to live.